Adult Children who are too financially Dependant on their parents - VTXOA
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post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:15 AM Thread Starter
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Adult Children who are too financially Dependant on their parents

My wife and I have been married for 14 years. She retired last summer. I am still working.She has one adult son by a previous marriage. He is married with 2 small children. He and his wife are both gainfully employed. My step son is not so bad but his wife has no problem asking for money, which she does on a regular basis.My wife feels guilty if she says no because of the grand kids. I am really becoming quite tired of all this. If I say anything to my wife, we end up arguing.
I want to sit The wifes son and daughter in law down and have a serious talk with them but she does not want to do this.Some thing has to change.
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post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:22 AM
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That is a tough one... I think you have to coach your wife into doing the naysaying. If you sit them down, you'll set in a big stinking pile of doo doo.

I'd suggest to your wife that the next time the daughter in law asks for money, she say something like, "You know honey, I'd really love to help you... the problem is, we've been looking at our own finances and we are really trying to save so 'Joe' can retire."

The operative phrase, "I'd love to help but, the problem is.... "

It is just an easier way for nice people to say no.

Good luck,
BT
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post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:53 AM
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Originally Posted by noangel2112 View Post
My wife and I have been married for 14 years. She retired last summer. I am still working.She has one adult son by a previous marriage. He is married with 2 small children. He and his wife are both gainfully employed. My step son is not so bad but his wife has no problem asking for money, which she does on a regular basis.My wife feels guilty if she says no because of the grand kids. I am really becoming quite tired of all this. If I say anything to my wife, we end up arguing.
I want to sit The wifes son and daughter in law down and have a serious talk with them but she does not want to do this.Some thing has to change.
Economics.... when times get tough tighten the belt and trim the fat.... but when the government wants more money they print it and we get inflation.... and when the step son gets short he goes to momma and she gives him more money.....

I saw a man worth a million .... get married again after his wife died thirty years ago .... they had 6 children and the children assumed their dads money was still locked away in savings and he was living on the interest and retirement.... He died last year.... and now the 6 children found out why their new step brother for 30 years had a nice home on the lake and nice cars, and boats and motorcycles.... and dad's money was gone.....

It is sad when a 62 year old man goes to his mom with his hand out to get his allowance to pay his payment on his CTS....

But if you want to stay married... you better not bring up the free loading step son!!!
I suggest open a private investment or annuity (something really secure with insurance company not a bank or broker so if it's found it looks just like life insurance payments) ... and start packing money in it... slowly.... building it up... cut your money down... make it slowly go away... If you two can make it without struggling and still support him.... she will keep supporting him.... when it cost her a trip to the beauty shop, restaurant, gas money, groceries,... maybe you eat baloney instead of steak... it's gotta hurt or she will still give him money.... what you want is her to ask him for some money.... and her attitude will change when he gives her excuses why he can't help momma out...
Insurance company.... blame it on Obama care if she wants to know where the money is going....

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post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 02:02 PM
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First and fore most you need to understand the process of being obligated. You and your wife are not obligated to support the financial needs of your grandkids! Period! If you have raised and supported your kids then your duties are done. Now I realize a lot of folks enjoy spoiling grandkids, beleive I know, see it a lot, on a first hand basis with my wifes parents and our kids. I would also have to say that my wifes parents have been very generous to us, but that does not mean that I think we are owed or due anything. My folks help us out some to, my parents are a little bit older and in full retirement. Who gives what or how much doesn't matter. We never ask for any money, at times I will perform chores around their homes, a lot of times just because I need something to do and they offer to pay me for it, which I usually reply "Thats not necessary" but they insist. I have no doubt that I am the bigger benficiary of the deal, but I would not be mad or feel slighted if they said "Gee thanks".
My father-in-law grew-up in a family that had favorites. His parents gave the other 2 brothers a lot of things they never offered to him and his twin, why I have no idea. My in-laws make damned sure if they give me and my wife any money then they give my brother-in-law and his wife exactly the same.
If your step-son and his wife are going through hard times I can sympothize for your predicament. If they are bad money managers I would suggest maybe loaning them money instead. If this happens 4 or 5 times a year, or more, I would also consider charging interest and not making second loans until the first one is paid off in full. My dad has loaned me money on several occasions, no interest, best deal I could get anywhere.
Money can bring out the worse in a lot of people. Soemone might need to tell daughter-in-law to learn to live within her means.

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post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 06:48 PM
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you may have to seperate your income from hers , then split the house hold bills down the middle with each paying half then tell her if she wants to give them money it will have to come out of HER income while you put whats left of yours in savings . thats pretty much what i had to do for a while . once she relized there wasn't all this extra money around it stopped pretty damn quick.

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post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 10:30 PM
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This will be no help but. ..

Being single after 14 years of putting up with my ex's crap and reading the kind of BS I no longer have to put up with now just does my heart good.



Good luck!

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post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:33 PM
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Simple. Move out of state.

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post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:48 PM Thread Starter
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you may have to seperate your income from hers , then split the house hold bills down the middle with each paying half then tell her if she wants to give them money it will have to come out of HER income while you put whats left of yours in savings . thats pretty much what i had to do for a while . once she relized there wasn't all this extra money around it stopped pretty damn quick.
I can see that coming next: separating our incomes. To answer some ones else s reply , My Stepson and his wife are terrible with money. They both have good paying Jobs, he works for a major utility company and she is a grade school teacher . She is extremely materialistic and shallow.
Once We all went to a restaurant ,for lunch, after Church.My wife's son offered to pay the bill and we accepted. I was shocked, because usually when we go out, with them, we end up paying for the meal.
The next day my wife called me from work crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me to check my email.She had forwarded me an email from her daughter in law. In the email she said, the daughter in law, that my wife was selfish and she did not want to help her own son. She accused my wife of being an abusive parent.She said that my wife's son was merely making a gesture when he offered to pay for the meal and we should not have accepted his offer. She went on to say , in the email, that they were having a hard time financially and a decent parent would offer to help.She went on and on about what terrible people my wife and I were.
My wife was afraid to say anything about all this because she thought if she made her sons wife mad , she would not let my wife see the grand kids.
This was extremely upsetting for my wife. I printed out a copy of the email and gave it to my step son. I told him how upset this made his mother. He just said " well you know she's like that" Talking about his wife.
I was brought up to not expect anything from anyone.If I want something I get it on my own. I have worked hard all my life to get where I am today.It annoys me to no end when some one always has their hand out.
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post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-27-2012, 11:52 PM Thread Starter
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Simple. Move out of state.

Joe T.
I plan to retire , in the next few years, that may be an option.
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post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old 07-28-2012, 12:59 AM
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She said that my wife's son was merely making a gesture when he offered to pay for the meal and we should not have accepted his offer.
You're a Riot Alice - Straight out of the Honey Mooner's skit in mid fifties.

I got caught up in it myself yesterday -
between Son & Xwife to fund special project for her in another state.

Could of used the 950 on the Scoot. Oh Well.
Oh Yea - stretching the moment a week vs on the hour was about the only option left.

Moving away? - 7000 miles doesn't matter - been there - still am.
You'd have to time warp back to 84 to a remote canal in Holland.

Good Luck - no one needs details of funds_Hush/hush is best -
It's simply not possible right now.

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