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    Senior Member noangel2112's Avatar
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    Default Adult Children who are too financially Dependant on their parents

    My wife and I have been married for 14 years. She retired last summer. I am still working.She has one adult son by a previous marriage. He is married with 2 small children. He and his wife are both gainfully employed. My step son is not so bad but his wife has no problem asking for money, which she does on a regular basis.My wife feels guilty if she says no because of the grand kids. I am really becoming quite tired of all this. If I say anything to my wife, we end up arguing.
    I want to sit The wifes son and daughter in law down and have a serious talk with them but she does not want to do this.Some thing has to change.

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    That is a tough one... I think you have to coach your wife into doing the naysaying. If you sit them down, you'll set in a big stinking pile of doo doo.

    I'd suggest to your wife that the next time the daughter in law asks for money, she say something like, "You know honey, I'd really love to help you... the problem is, we've been looking at our own finances and we are really trying to save so 'Joe' can retire."

    The operative phrase, "I'd love to help but, the problem is.... "

    It is just an easier way for nice people to say no.

    Good luck,
    BT

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    Quote Originally Posted by noangel2112 View Post
    My wife and I have been married for 14 years. She retired last summer. I am still working.She has one adult son by a previous marriage. He is married with 2 small children. He and his wife are both gainfully employed. My step son is not so bad but his wife has no problem asking for money, which she does on a regular basis.My wife feels guilty if she says no because of the grand kids. I am really becoming quite tired of all this. If I say anything to my wife, we end up arguing.
    I want to sit The wifes son and daughter in law down and have a serious talk with them but she does not want to do this.Some thing has to change.
    Economics.... when times get tough tighten the belt and trim the fat.... but when the government wants more money they print it and we get inflation.... and when the step son gets short he goes to momma and she gives him more money.....

    I saw a man worth a million .... get married again after his wife died thirty years ago .... they had 6 children and the children assumed their dads money was still locked away in savings and he was living on the interest and retirement.... He died last year.... and now the 6 children found out why their new step brother for 30 years had a nice home on the lake and nice cars, and boats and motorcycles.... and dad's money was gone.....

    It is sad when a 62 year old man goes to his mom with his hand out to get his allowance to pay his payment on his CTS....

    But if you want to stay married... you better not bring up the free loading step son!!!
    I suggest open a private investment or annuity (something really secure with insurance company not a bank or broker so if it's found it looks just like life insurance payments) ... and start packing money in it... slowly.... building it up... cut your money down... make it slowly go away... If you two can make it without struggling and still support him.... she will keep supporting him.... when it cost her a trip to the beauty shop, restaurant, gas money, groceries,... maybe you eat baloney instead of steak... it's gotta hurt or she will still give him money.... what you want is her to ask him for some money.... and her attitude will change when he gives her excuses why he can't help momma out...
    Insurance company.... blame it on Obama care if she wants to know where the money is going....
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    Senior Member jakson200369's Avatar
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    First and fore most you need to understand the process of being obligated. You and your wife are not obligated to support the financial needs of your grandkids! Period! If you have raised and supported your kids then your duties are done. Now I realize a lot of folks enjoy spoiling grandkids, beleive I know, see it a lot, on a first hand basis with my wifes parents and our kids. I would also have to say that my wifes parents have been very generous to us, but that does not mean that I think we are owed or due anything. My folks help us out some to, my parents are a little bit older and in full retirement. Who gives what or how much doesn't matter. We never ask for any money, at times I will perform chores around their homes, a lot of times just because I need something to do and they offer to pay me for it, which I usually reply "Thats not necessary" but they insist. I have no doubt that I am the bigger benficiary of the deal, but I would not be mad or feel slighted if they said "Gee thanks".
    My father-in-law grew-up in a family that had favorites. His parents gave the other 2 brothers a lot of things they never offered to him and his twin, why I have no idea. My in-laws make damned sure if they give me and my wife any money then they give my brother-in-law and his wife exactly the same.
    If your step-son and his wife are going through hard times I can sympothize for your predicament. If they are bad money managers I would suggest maybe loaning them money instead. If this happens 4 or 5 times a year, or more, I would also consider charging interest and not making second loans until the first one is paid off in full. My dad has loaned me money on several occasions, no interest, best deal I could get anywhere.
    Money can bring out the worse in a lot of people. Soemone might need to tell daughter-in-law to learn to live within her means.
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    you may have to seperate your income from hers , then split the house hold bills down the middle with each paying half then tell her if she wants to give them money it will have to come out of HER income while you put whats left of yours in savings . thats pretty much what i had to do for a while . once she relized there wasn't all this extra money around it stopped pretty damn quick.
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    Senior Member House O' Pain's Avatar
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    Default This will be no help but. ..

    Being single after 14 years of putting up with my ex's crap and reading the kind of BS I no longer have to put up with now just does my heart good.



    Good luck!
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    Simple. Move out of state.

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    Senior Member noangel2112's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by texasmike View Post
    you may have to seperate your income from hers , then split the house hold bills down the middle with each paying half then tell her if she wants to give them money it will have to come out of HER income while you put whats left of yours in savings . thats pretty much what i had to do for a while . once she relized there wasn't all this extra money around it stopped pretty damn quick.
    I can see that coming next: separating our incomes. To answer some ones else s reply , My Stepson and his wife are terrible with money. They both have good paying Jobs, he works for a major utility company and she is a grade school teacher . She is extremely materialistic and shallow.
    Once We all went to a restaurant ,for lunch, after Church.My wife's son offered to pay the bill and we accepted. I was shocked, because usually when we go out, with them, we end up paying for the meal.
    The next day my wife called me from work crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me to check my email.She had forwarded me an email from her daughter in law. In the email she said, the daughter in law, that my wife was selfish and she did not want to help her own son. She accused my wife of being an abusive parent.She said that my wife's son was merely making a gesture when he offered to pay for the meal and we should not have accepted his offer. She went on to say , in the email, that they were having a hard time financially and a decent parent would offer to help.She went on and on about what terrible people my wife and I were.
    My wife was afraid to say anything about all this because she thought if she made her sons wife mad , she would not let my wife see the grand kids.
    This was extremely upsetting for my wife. I printed out a copy of the email and gave it to my step son. I told him how upset this made his mother. He just said " well you know she's like that" Talking about his wife.
    I was brought up to not expect anything from anyone.If I want something I get it on my own. I have worked hard all my life to get where I am today.It annoys me to no end when some one always has their hand out.

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    Senior Member noangel2112's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Joe T View Post
    Simple. Move out of state.

    Joe T.
    I plan to retire , in the next few years, that may be an option.

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    Quote Originally Posted by noangel2112 View Post
    She said that my wife's son was merely making a gesture when he offered to pay for the meal and we should not have accepted his offer.
    You're a Riot Alice - Straight out of the Honey Mooner's skit in mid fifties.

    I got caught up in it myself yesterday -
    between Son & Xwife to fund special project for her in another state.

    Could of used the 950 on the Scoot. Oh Well.
    Oh Yea - stretching the moment a week vs on the hour was about the only option left.

    Moving away? - 7000 miles doesn't matter - been there - still am.
    You'd have to time warp back to 84 to a remote canal in Holland.

    Good Luck - no one needs details of funds_Hush/hush is best -
    It's simply not possible right now.

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    Senior Member Wood42's Avatar
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    Maybe she should ask her parents? See what kind of answer she gets. But I agree, sorry. I just can't do it right now.
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    Short of dividing your income/assets to control spending,...offer to help out by taking on their cell phone bill making it clear it's ALL you can do.

    You can add'm for 10.oo a month with most providers.

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    Default Its inthe blood

    I've got it on good advice that blood trumps marriage every time.

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    Default Put them on to Dave Ramsey

    You can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. Financial peace is a very good place to be.......good luck

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    Senior Member noangel2112's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by saved View Post
    I've got it on good advice that blood trumps marriage every time.
    Exactly . My wife has given them money and tried to hide it from me. She knew eventualy I would find out.I think she goes under the old addage " It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission." We have had some major arguments because of this situation.

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    Senior Member noangel2112's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by XpatX View Post
    You can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. Financial peace is a very good place to be.......good luck
    They both attended a personal financial siminar that was sponsored by our church. I didn't see where it made any difference. They are not willing to make sacrifices and give things up in order to straighten out their finances.

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    Quote Originally Posted by noangel2112 View Post
    Exactly . My wife has given them money and tried to hide it from me. She knew eventualy I would find out.I think she goes under the old addage " It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission." We have had some major arguments because of this situation.
    In my opinion, your wife's children have no real regard for her (and certainly not you) given their behavior. One of my wife's brothers has the very same issue with his kids, the difference being they are his own children (he and his wife's children) and not step-children. They routinely ask them for money...even though my wife's brother is now on disability (he injured his back at work, aggravating an old service injury he had in Desert Storm...he was a crew chief in a helicopter that crashed) and their income has been significantly reduced. They have explained the situation to their children, and they still keep asking. My wife contacted their oldest son, explained the situation to him, and he said: "I don't care." They feel like they are OWED the money from their parents. If they don't get what they want, they ignore their parents and won't talk to them until they do. The parents are so hurt by this, but they don't want to "lose" their kids...I once told them (my brother-in-law and sister-in-law) when they were at our house for dinner that I didn't think they were losing anything but money and their minds...dinner was very quiet, and they didn't stay for the usual card game after dinner.

    I think you and your wife should go to some couples counseling to learn how to deal with this situation between yourselves, and present a united front to the children, with whatever solution you can agree to as a couple. I think you are headed for even more problems, I'm sorry to say, unless you both get some objective, third party help to deal with it.

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    Senior Member noangel2112's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GKC View Post
    In my opinion, your wife's children have no real regard for her (and certainly not you) given their behavior. One of my wife's brothers has the very same issue with his kids, the difference being they are his own children (he and his wife's children) and not step-children. They routinely ask them for money...even though my wife's brother is now on disability (he injured his back at work, aggravating an old service injury he had in Desert Storm...he was a crew chief in a helicopter that crashed) and their income has been significantly reduced. They have explained the situation to their children, and they still keep asking. My wife contacted their oldest son, explained the situation to him, and he said: "I don't care." They feel like they are OWED the money from their parents. If they don't get what they want, they ignore their parents and won't talk to them until they do. The parents are so hurt by this, but they don't want to "lose" their kids...I once told them (my brother-in-law and sister-in-law) when they were at our house for dinner that I didn't think they were losing anything but money and their minds...dinner was very quiet, and they didn't stay for the usual card game after dinner.

    I think you and your wife should go to some couples counseling to learn how to deal with this situation between yourselves, and present a united front to the children, with whatever solution you can agree to as a couple. I think you are headed for even more problems, I'm sorry to say, unless you both get some objective, third party help to deal with it.
    Good Idea about the counseling. My wifes daughter in law thinks we owe her financial support. The kids will be starting back to school soon and my wife told me yesterday that gail told her both boys will be needing new school clothes.

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    Quote Originally Posted by noangel2112 View Post
    The kids will be starting back to school soon and my wife told me yesterday that gail told her both boys will be needing new school clothes.
    Your wife should give Gail an envelope and tell her, "Here...this will help you out." Inside the envelope should be directions to the mall...and nothing else.

    I fully believe in helping children when they deserve it, and if the parents are able to do so...if they demand it, they don't get it.

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    Senior Member noangel2112's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GKC View Post
    Your wife should give Gail an envelope and tell her, "Here...this will help you out." Inside the envelope should be directions to the mall...and nothing else.

    I fully believe in helping children when they deserve it, and if the parents are able to do so...if they demand it, they don't get it.
    I told my wife that Gail is going to get a court order so my wife has to pay them Child support. My wife has agreed that things are going too far. She is going to tell her som amd he can explain things to Gail.My wife is hopefull they dont keep the grandkids from us after this is done.

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    Offer to pay for a one time session with a independent financial adviser who may be able to teach them how to manage their money more responsibly. An objective outsider may be able to point out major shortcomings that they are trapping themselves into and could show them a better way.

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    Quote Originally Posted by noangel2112 View Post
    I told my wife that Gail is going to get a court order so my wife has to pay them Child support. My wife has agreed that things are going too far. She is going to tell her som amd he can explain things to Gail.My wife is hopefull they dont keep the grandkids from us after this is done.
    I'm not an attorney, and the law can do some strange things, but it is hard to imagine that a court would hold your wife responsible to pay child support for her son's children.

    It is such a sad situation, and often times children and grandchildren are pawns in family disputes...I hope it doesn't happen to you. Personally, while it would hurt, I wouldn't be held hostage financially and pay to see my grandchildren.

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    Senior Member noangel2112's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GKC View Post
    I'm not an attorney, and the law can do some strange things, but it is hard to imagine that a court would hold your wife responsible to pay child support for her son's children.

    It is such a sad situation, and often times children and grandchildren are pawns in family disputes...I hope it doesn't happen to you. Personally, while it would hurt, I wouldn't be held hostage financially and pay to see my grandchildren.
    Thats exactly what one of my wifes Sisters told her. I wish we could all sit down and discuss this like mature adults, but the minute anyone is the least bit critical of Gail, she blows up.
    Like you said I am willing to take a chance of not seeing the grand kids for awhile to end this constant money drain.

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    Quote Originally Posted by noangel2112 View Post
    Thats exactly what one of my wifes Sisters told her. I wish we could all sit down and discuss this like mature adults, but the minute anyone is the least bit critical of Gail, she blows up.
    Like you said I am willing to take a chance of not seeing the grand kids for awhile to end this constant money drain.
    You all are clearly being "Taken Advantage Of" !!!!!!!!!!
    You are far better people than I. Anyone linking my wallet to their companionship would be promptly unwelcome in my home, related or not.
    Which would also mean that she does not appreciate what you all have generously gave to them.
    I would sit the both of them down, tell them to just listen, let them know the new "game-plan" and end it with a "I hope you and your family will still be in our lives".
    I would never make a purchase hoping that our parents would "help" us out, or budget our home based off of our parents incomes. If for some reason we experienced financial hardships my motorcycle would be the first thing offered up to the sacrificial block. I remember when I bought my first brand new bike, my brother offered to loan me the money in cash, I declined, basically because I thought if I could not afford my own toys for whatever reason that I would deffinetely not want to strain my relationship with him over a luxury item.
    Some people need a good hard "slap in the face" to wake up to reality.
    Just curious, have you all ever talked to her parents regarding their involvement in any of this? Are they constantly giving them money as well? Maybe the 4 parents need to sit down and discuss some of this as well, if possible????? I would involve your wifes X to. All of you might be very surprised over the supplimental income they are receiving!!!!!!!!
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    Divorce your wife. Problem solved.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jakson200369 View Post
    You all are clearly being "Taken Advantage Of" !!!!!!!!!!
    You are far better people than I. Anyone linking my wallet to their companionship would be promptly unwelcome in my home, related or not.
    Which would also mean that she does not appreciate what you all have generously gave to them.
    I would sit the both of them down, tell them to just listen, let them know the new "game-plan" and end it with a "I hope you and your family will still be in our lives".
    I would never make a purchase hoping that our parents would "help" us out, or budget our home based off of our parents incomes. If for some reason we experienced financial hardships my motorcycle would be the first thing offered up to the sacrificial block. I remember when I bought my first brand new bike, my brother offered to loan me the money in cash, I declined, basically because I thought if I could not afford my own toys for whatever reason that I would deffinetely not want to strain my relationship with him over a luxury item.
    Some people need a good hard "slap in the face" to wake up to reality.
    Just curious, have you all ever talked to her parents regarding their involvement in any of this? Are they constantly giving them money as well? Maybe the 4 parents need to sit down and discuss some of this as well, if possible????? I would involve your wifes X to. All of you might be very surprised over the supplimental income they are receiving!!!!!!!!
    Your wife feels guilty and responsible. It's her caring that is probably one of the things that you admire and love about her most, albeit not in this situation

    If you love her, you should not ask her to choose between her husband and her son. The best advice here was given above: this is a problem that you both must resolve by agreeing to a solution that each of you can support. If you need a professional, than it's a cheap investment in the long-run.

    If you plan on working it out together, I would keep in mind that forcing people to choose sides usually ends up with some losers. Whatever plan your wife must fully support it, otherwise she will sabotage it or sneak behind your back. Remember, she has a longer relationship with her son, than she does with you; add grand-kids to the mix and you're in the minus column, buddy.

    I would also Keep in mind that a plan will take time to implement and be less than what either of you are fully happy with. It may even fail and need to be redrafted. Eventually, you'll get something you both can live with. Start by identifying those things that you would provide for the children, irrespective of their parent's means; then decide on an amount, above that, that you are willing to put on the table for other expenses or needs. Put a few extra bucks on the side for emergencies and attach some conditions to its use.

    Unfortunately, your daughter-in-law sounds like she has a sense of entitlement, is a user or is one of those who is always drowning, no matter how many life vests get thrown her way. Whatever the reason, she will not change anytime soon, nor will your son-in-law. In the long-run, this is not much different than any other problem that parents may face with a child; you must agree on how to handle it, knowing that the sentiment is a bit different for both, have a plan of action that anticipates reactions and responses to those, and agree on the possible outcomes that may occur and which ones you are willing to accept and live with.

    Problems like this are often difficult, with long histories; if you apply a simple solution, you're likely to get some complications
    Last edited by Highway 61 Revisited; 07-30-2012 at 11:01 AM.


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    Senior Member jakson200369's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Highway 61 Revisited View Post
    Your wife feels guilty and responsible. It's her caring that is probably one of the things that you admire and love about her most, albeit not in this situation

    If you love her, you should not ask her to choose between her husband and her son. The best advice here was given above: this is a problem that you both must resolve by agreeing to a solution that each of you can support. If you need a professional, than it's a cheap investment in the long-run.

    If you plan on working it out together, I would keep in mind that forcing people to choose sides usually ends up with some losers. Whatever plan your wife must fully support it, otherwise she will sabotage it or sneak behind your back. Remember, she has a longer relationship with her son, than she does with you; add grand-kids to the mix and you're in the minus column, buddy.

    I would also Keep in mind that a plan will take time to implement and be less than what either of you are fully happy with. It may even fail and need to be redrafted. Eventually, you'll get something you both can live with. Start by identifying those things that you would provide for the children, irrespective of their parent's means; then decide on an amount, above that, that you are willing to put on the table for other expenses or needs. Put a few extra bucks on the side for emergencies and attach some conditions to its use.

    Unfortunately, your daughter-in-law sounds like she has a sense of entitlement, is a user or is one of those who is always drowning, no matter how many life vests get thrown her way. Whatever the reason, she will not change anytime soon, nor will your son-in-law. In the long-run, this is not much different than any other problem that parents may face with a child; you must agree on how to handle it, knowing that the sentiment is a bit different for both, have a plan of action that anticipates reactions and responses to those, and agree on the possible outcomes that may occur and which ones you are willing to accept and live with.

    Problems like this are often difficult, with long histories; if you apply a simple solution, you're likely to get some complications

    Any deviation from the norm is going to cause complications with the individual described. He all ready stated that trying to hold a simple discussion causes her to "blow-up". You cater to a "brat" the brat will never change, why would they! They do not have to open their wallets to be good parents, next time they ask or she asks for money I would suggest offering financial help, maybe putting everything onto a spread sheet for everyone to see where all the money goes, show incoming and outgoing, necessities and luxuries. If they can not agree to any of this, then simply say "I'm sorry, I guess I can not help you then"!
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    Quote Originally Posted by jakson200369 View Post
    Any deviation from the norm is going to cause complications with the individual described. He all ready stated that trying to hold a simple discussion causes her to "blow-up". You cater to a "brat" the brat will never change, why would they! They do not have to open their wallets to be good parents, next time they ask or she asks for money I would suggest offering financial help, maybe putting everything onto a spread sheet for everyone to see where all the money goes, show incoming and outgoing, necessities and luxuries. If they can not agree to any of this, then simply say "I'm sorry, I guess I can not help you then"!
    Agreed.

    I don't think they're ready for any discussion with the daughter-in-law. Right now, if Noangel and his wife are not even remotely in agreement, it would just blow up or she would further divide-and-conquer.

    Actually, use of spread-sheet is not bad, if it supports the plan you wish to sell. You need a good plan before going to war


    "Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes in the middle of nowhere you find yourself" -Old Biker's Credo

    "I'll let you be in my dream, if I can be in yours" --B. Dylan 0/`j~0

  30. #29
    Senior Member
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by jakson200369 View Post
    Any deviation from the norm is going to cause complications with the individual described. He all ready stated that trying to hold a simple discussion causes her to "blow-up". You cater to a "brat" the brat will never change, why would they! They do not have to open their wallets to be good parents, next time they ask or she asks for money I would suggest offering financial help, maybe putting everything onto a spread sheet for everyone to see where all the money goes, show incoming and outgoing, necessities and luxuries. If they can not agree to any of this, then simply say "I'm sorry, I guess I can not help you then"!
    Exactly! If they are both working full time they need better money management skills/discipline. Not more 'free' money.
    Jimbo. 1800c, Drag Bars, Drag Pipes, Chrome Wheels, 31T Ring Gear, BadX Extreme Seat, SOTMC Shocks, 200 Rear Tire, Elimination of all Non-essentials, Kingdom of Kicks.

  31. #30
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    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    New City NY
    Posts
    35

    Default I would tell them this

    If I were in your shoes I would tell the kids that I am setting up a college fund for the grand kids and you will no longer be able to count on us for your normal living expenses, your kids have to learn to live on what they earn as you and your wife won't be there to give handouts forever. This way you are still going to help the grand kids out but you won't have your kids spending their possible inheritance before you figure out if you need it to live.

    If your wife refuses to do anything and your marriage become a your money my money relationship you may as well get a divorce now rather than later. I have friends who should have retired 10 years ago but because they are always bailing out their kids will be working until they die.
    Now don't take me wrong I would probably help my kid out but the circumstantial will be right for me, not them. If all they can afford is a used car I wont pay for a new one.
    Never argue with an Liberal. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!

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