How 'bout a joke? - Page 2 - VTXOA
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post #11 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:39 PM
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A new twist on the Gangland apptitude test

Only from a Brit:

SCOTLAND

DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2003

HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL


GLASGOW REGION

Name…………………………………….
Nickname………………………………..
Gangname………………………………

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he’ll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he’ll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he’d stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they’re winning and every 15 minutes when they’re losing. How many times did they sing it at last season’s Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock – and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?
EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers’ Brief?


EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION


Name……………………………………
Rugby Club…………………………….
Daddy’s Company…………………….

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter’s friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown’s flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair’s dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

4. Tamsin’s Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin’s Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?


HIGHLANDS REGION

Name…………………………….
Glen………………………………

1. After Hector’s death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #12 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:41 PM
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At the Vet

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary office. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be unconscious or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, returning a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes, and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"!
The vet shrugged.

"I'm sorry. If you'd have taken my word for it, the bill would have been only £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, the prices go way up!"
Supra11 likes this.

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #13 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:42 PM
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Uhhgg!

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special ' Chicken Surprise ' .

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

' Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'

'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter.....

.
.
.
.
.




..


'I've brought you the Peking duck'

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #14 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:43 PM
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Dave knows EVERYONE!

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old
buddies,let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his
boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise,I was just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a
long time."
So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has fainted and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Dave?"

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #15 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:45 PM
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State Mottos

I like the Texas motto:

KNOW YOUR STATEMOTTO
>
>
> Alabama
> Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
>
>
> Alaska
> 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
>
> Arizona
> But It's A Dry Heat.
>
> Arkansas
> Literacy Ain't Everything.
>
> California
> By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
>
> Colorado
> If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
>
> Connecticut
> Like Massachusetts,
> Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
>
> Delaware
> We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
>
> Florida
> Ask Us About Our Grandkids. Then teach us how to drive &vote.
>
> Georgia
> We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
>
> Hawaii
> Haka Tike Mou Sha! 'ami Lee ki Toru
> (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
>
> Idaho
> More Than Just Potatoes...
> Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
>
> Illinois
> Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"
>
> Indiana
> 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
>
> Iowa
> We Do Amazing Things With Corn
>
> Kansas
> First Of The Rectangle States
>
> Kentucky
> Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
>
> Louisiana
> We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
> But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
>
> Maine
> We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
>
> Maryland
> If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
>
> Massachusetts
> Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
>
> Michigan
> First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians
>
> Minnesota
> 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
>
> Mississippi
> Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
>
> Missouri
> Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
>
> Montana
> Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
> and Very Little Else.
>
> Nebraska
> Ask About Our State Motto Contest
>
> Nevada
> Hookers and Poker!
>
> New Hampshire
> Go Away And Leave Us Alone
>
> New Jersey
> You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
> I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
> Right here!
>
> New Mexico
> Lizards Make Excellent Pets
>
> New York
> You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
> You Have The Right
> To An Attorney...
>
> North Carolina
> Tobacco Is A Vegetable
>
> North Dakota
> We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
>
> Ohio
> At Least We're Not Michigan
>
> Ok! lahoma
> Like The Play, But No Singing
>
> Oregon
> Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
>
> Pennsylvania
> Cook With Coal
>
> Rhode Island
> We're Not REALLY An Island
>
> South Carolina
> Remember The War of Northern Aggression?
> Well, We Didn't Actually SurrenderYet
>
> South Dakota
> Closer Than North Dakota
>
> Tennessee
> The Edyoocashun State
>
> Texas
> Se Hablo Ingles
>
> Utah
> Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
>
> Vermont
> Ay, Yup!
>
> Virginia
> Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
>
> Washington
> We have more rain than you do
>
> West Virginia
> One Big Happy Family...Really!
>
> Wisconsin
> Come Cut The Cheese!
>
> Wyoming
> Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #16 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:46 PM
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Don't try this at home - - - -

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don’t want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."


A little girl asked her mom, "Mommy, may I take the dog for a walk?" The mom replies, "No, because she's in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the girl. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and asks, "Daddy, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mommy, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come ask you." The dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with the leash, but no dog. Surprised, the dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said,

"She ran out of gas about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #17 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:55 PM
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Playing Golf

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior.. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother..

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

“You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?”

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #18 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:55 PM
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You're in the Navy now - - -

A young Navy Officer was in a bad car accident, but due to the heroics
Of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and
Eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive
About his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command
Master Chief position.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
Interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you
Notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are
Missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your
Hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact
And threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same
Question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The
Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Submarine Service Master Chief. He was
Articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two
Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead
With the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Submarine Service Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear
Contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
Tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.


The Submarine Service Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to
Wear glasses with only one *******g ear

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #19 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:56 PM
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Talking A drive through Wales

2 English tourists drivin through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch they stop for lunch.

1 of the tourists asks the waitress, "Before we order, could you settle an argument. Can you pronounce where we are very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leans over and says "burrr-gurrrr-king!!!!!!"

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #20 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:57 PM
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Hummm - - - -

An ugly woman had some money and wanted to boost her self image, so she found herself a surgeon. She offered a deposit and asked the good doctor to give her some sex appeal. He politely agreed, and put her under anaesthetic.

An hour later she awoke, finding no bandages on her body, and was furious. "Is that the best you can do? This is fraud! Did you even do anything??" She yelped.

"Tonsillectomy." The surgeon replied.

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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