How 'bout a joke? - Page 3 - VTXOA
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post #21 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:57 PM
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A day at the zoo - - - -

A man was down on his luck and desperate to make a little money.
After a few other doors had closed to him, he had the idea of going to the
city zoo, hoping to land a job feeding the animals. The manager said he had
no openings, but seeing how big this guy was, offered him another position.

"Say," he said, "our gorilla died the other day, and he was one of our most
popular animals. If we got you a special gorilla suit, would you put it on
and imitate him for a few days, until the new gorilla arrives? We'll pay you
well for it."

Desperate for work, the man agreed and, after a few hours, was beating his
chest and shaking the bars of the gorilla cage. Huge crowds were gathering.
Maybe this won't be so bad after all, the man told himself.

Then, one day, he was swinging on a trapeze and lost his grip. The momentum
carried right over a tall chain link fence into the middle of the lion's
den. Looking up at the intruder in his domain, the lion gave a ferocious
roar and the crowd was mesmerized.

What was the gorilla to do? If he cried for help, it would reveal his true
identity.

So he slowly walked backward away from the lion, hoping to climb the fence
into his own cage. The lion, however, with a hungry look on his face, began
to stalk him step by step. Finally, in desperation, the gorilla hollered:
"Help!"

Immediately the lion answered in an annoyed whisper: "Shut up stupid! You'll
get us both fired."

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #22 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:58 PM
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Neologism contest

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternative meanings for common words. (apologies to those who might have come across this before!)
The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.


13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a__hole

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #23 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:59 PM
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Christmas party

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great," says Tom. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em"

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #24 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 09:59 PM
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Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #25 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 10:03 PM
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Dear penis - NSFW

I think yoy will like this one

#!

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #26 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 10:04 PM
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Little Johnny - NSFW

Little Johnny asked Mum what 2 words mean that kids at school were using...........Pussy and Bitch.

Mum inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico".

"A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy ."

"Thanks, Mom.."

He then found his Dad out in the garage.

"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."

"What words, son?"

"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mum, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."

Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."


"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"

Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #27 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 10:04 PM
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Police report - #1

Police today discovered a hole in the local nudist colony wall. The police spokesperson said that they where looking into it!

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #28 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 10:05 PM
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Police Report #2

A thief broke into the Ft. Lauderdale police station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.

A spokesperson was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on!"

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #29 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 10:06 PM
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Prophet-able small business

A friend of mine just started his own business, making land-mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof!

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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post #30 of 410 (permalink) Old 10-10-2010, 10:06 PM
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Gotta love thos Bagpipers

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.



I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept; we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.







Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."







Apparently I'm still lost....

“...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.”
Theodore Roosevelt
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