How 'bout a joke? - Page 41 - VTXOA
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post #401 of 410 (permalink) Old 06-20-2019, 05:15 PM
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There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."
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post #402 of 410 (permalink) Old 06-20-2019, 05:27 PM
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As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f.. are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
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post #403 of 410 (permalink) Old 06-23-2019, 07:23 PM
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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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post #404 of 410 (permalink) Old 08-22-2019, 04:32 PM
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Replacing lab rats with lawyers

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

There are no honest lawyers

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"

What and who am I?

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"



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post #405 of 410 (permalink) Old 08-22-2019, 05:37 PM
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she
pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her
scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she
said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is
broken."

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post #406 of 410 (permalink) Old 08-22-2019, 05:42 PM
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

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post #407 of 410 (permalink) Old 08-22-2019, 05:44 PM
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

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post #408 of 410 (permalink) Old 08-24-2019, 12:49 PM
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So why does the USA have to be like Europe? I have experienced some of these and THEY SUCK!
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File Type: jpg Round About.jpg (107.5 KB, 12 views)
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post #409 of 410 (permalink) Old 08-24-2019, 03:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jackk View Post
So why does the USA have to be like Europe? I have experienced some of these and THEY SUCK!

Some roundabouts can be useful, but some times communities overdue them a bit.


Edwards CO, 120 miles from home so I need to stop for fuel. Coming from the east I get FIVE of these suckers before I am back on the road again.



2003 1800s, 88k miles
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post #410 of 410 (permalink) Old 09-20-2019, 09:10 AM
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Here's the absolute best joke of the week.
Q: Why don't people tell jokes about the Rev. Jim Jones?
A: The punch line is too long.
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Si vis pacem, para bellum.
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