Joke For The Day - VTXOA
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post #1 of 313 (permalink) Old 12-21-2017, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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Joke For The Day

I thought you all might enjoy this..........

A pastor is considering buying a parrot from the pet store. The owner tells him that the bird was previously owned by a brothel, and has been known to spout off a few choice words. The pastor buys the bird anyway and takes it home. The next day, the doorbell rings and it startles the bird. The parrot lets out with @*#&%$^&%&#. The pastor calmly says, "Now you live with me, and I won't tolerate that kind of language". Later that day, while in the kitchen, he drops a glass and it shatters on the floor. The parrot again lets out with $*%&$&^@*. The pastor says "OK, I warned you" and takes the parrot and puts him in the freezer. After about 15 minutes, he reaches in and takes the parrot out,, who is shaking violently from the cold. The pastor says "Now, are we going to cuss anymore?" The parrot quickly shakes his head NO. "Is there anything else you have to say?" The parrot nods his head YES. The pastor says "What is it?" The parrot, still shaking from the cold, quietly says......
"Wwwwhat ddddid tttthe cccchicken ddddo??"
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post #2 of 313 (permalink) Old 12-21-2017, 01:29 PM
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Special high intensity training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, see your manager.
You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.)
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.)
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.)
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T)

Thank You,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
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post #3 of 313 (permalink) Old 12-21-2017, 06:25 PM
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Thanks guys ... absolutely hilarious.


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post #4 of 313 (permalink) Old 12-21-2017, 10:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jbrittjr View Post
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, see your manager.
You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.)
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.)
Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.)
Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T)

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T)

Thank You,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Do you have any idea how old that joke is? I first heard it about 50 years ago. It's still good.
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post #5 of 313 (permalink) Old 12-22-2017, 12:41 PM
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Meet The *****t Family...



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post #6 of 313 (permalink) Old 12-24-2017, 03:59 PM
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My current favorite is the one that got the pizza hut employee fired for writing a joke on the inside of the pizza lid

what do pizza delivery drivers and gynecologists have in common?

They both have to smell it but neither get to eat it


http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/p...b0c65287abd0a4
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post #7 of 313 (permalink) Old 01-17-2018, 11:06 AM
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Lets Try This Again

Do you know why Oklahoma got the Sooners
and Texas got the A&M Aggies

Oklahoma got first choice
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post #8 of 313 (permalink) Old 01-17-2018, 01:10 PM
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Bubba went to A & M on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student. At graduation day, Bubba didn’t have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.
The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.
The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, “Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I’ll give you your diploma.” Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. “Bubba,” he said, “How much is three times seven?”
Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, “Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!”
Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, “I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one.”
A hush fell over the auditorium and the A & M students began another chant. “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”
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post #9 of 313 (permalink) Old 01-17-2018, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
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[QUOTE=jbrittjr;4446609]Bubba went to A & M on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student. At graduation day, Bubba didn’t have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.
The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.
The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, “Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I’ll give you your diploma.” Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. “Bubba,” he said, “How much is three times seven?”
Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, “Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!”
Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, “I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one.”
A hush fell over the auditorium and the A & M students began another chant. “Give him another chance! Give him another chance!”

After Bubba did graduate, he joined the Army. As they were passing out rifles, that ran out when they got to him. Bubba said "What am I supposed to do?". The Sgt. said "Hold up your arms, like you're holding the rifle and say BANGY-BANGY". Bubba said OK. The same thing happened with the bayonets. The Sgt said "Thrust your arms forward and say - STABBY-STABBY. Bubba said "Got it, Sarge".
Bubba's squad was deployed. They were in battle. Bubba saw a sniper in the tree, held up his arms and yelled Bangy-Bangy. No one could believe when the sniper fell out of the tree, dead. One of the enemy crept into their foxhole. Bubba turned and thrusts his arms out and said Stabby-Stabby, and the soldier fell over dead!!! Everyone was amazed. The Sgt. said he needed someone to scout up over the next hill. Bubba volunteers. Shortly after he disappears over the rise, they hear Bangy-Bangy, Stabby-Stabby, Bangy-Bangy,,,, AAAHHHHHH. They run up over the rise, and Bubba is laid out in a ditch, wounded, bleeding, and just about dead. The Sgt. sees the enemy walking down the ditch and raises his rifle to shoot. He stops when he hears the guy mumbling and saying something, so he runs after him to see what he is saying. As he approaches, the soldier has his elbows bent, and his fists tight in front of him, walking down the ditch saying - TANKY-TANKY.........
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post #10 of 313 (permalink) Old 01-17-2018, 02:00 PM
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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!’ The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.
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04 1800 C.....Candy Orange Flame....R.I.P.
07 1800 C.....Well that's what the title said
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