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A husband and his wife were sitting at breakfast the other morning. The wife is seven kinds of mad and just burning holes through her husbands head with her eyes...................

The husband asks, "Whats wrong?" Well, she unloads on him big time and proceeds to tell him that yesterday was their 30th wedding aniversery and that he had forgotten it...............

Still burning at him, she tells him that by tomorrow morning when she wakes up, that there had better be something in the driveway that will do 0-200 in less than 6 seconds!

Morning comes and the wife puts on her robe to go outside and look in the driveway. Sure enough, there is a small package wrapped up sitting in the middle of the drive.............................

When she opens up the box, the whole neighborhood woke up from her screeming.......................

There in the box stood a weight scale! :lol:

The husband has been missing since.................................! 8)

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Husband comes roaring up the driveway screeches to a halt and runs into the house screaming …. I won, I won …. I won the lottery…. Pack your bags!!!
Wife says….should I pack for the mountains or the beach?
Husband says …..doesn’t matter just get out!!!! :wink:
 

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What do you call a sailor thats blown off a ship, lost both arms & legs,
and is floating in shark infested water up to his neck. . . . . :click:
 

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I like this one.......its worth the read.

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't gonna to eat that, mind if I do"? The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too".
 

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All of those are funny!
 

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, "replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little sucker. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first..."
 

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Three bulls are standing in a pasture when a cattle hauler pulls up with a new bull on board. The older bull says "he ain't gettin' any of my cows", the middle age bull says "he ain't gettin' any of my cows either". The young bull says "I ain't got any cows yet, but if I did, he wouldn't be gettin' any of 'em either". The gate crashes down on the truck and out stomps the meanest, roughest, toughest, red eyed 3/4 ton of beef this side of the Pecos! The older bull took one look and said "He looks like a OK fella, guess I could spare a cow or two". The middle aged bull looks back at the older bull and says "yea, I agree, I think I can spare a cow or two, also". They both hear a commotion beside them and look to see the young bull snortin' and bellerin' and kicking up a cloud of dust to beat all! The older bull says "son, what the heck are you doing, trying to get us all killed?" The young bull cuts his eyes to the other two and says " Heck no, I'm making dang sure he knows I'm a BULL!" :lol:
 

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Mad Cow said:
What do you call a sailor thats blown off a ship, lost both arms & legs,
and is floating in shark infested water up to his neck. . . . . :click:
I thought you were gonna say "Bob"!
 

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Cat Medication

Subject: How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Figurines and vases from floor and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


Hot To Give A Dog A Pill:
1. Wrap it in bacon.
 

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A very wealthy elderly lady is getting a tour of a hospital to see where her large donation would be of best use. While walking down the hall with the chief of surgery, she looks into a patients room and sees that he is masturbating..."Oh my! What is going on here?" she says. The cheif calms her down and tells her the man has an affliction with his testicles that requires ejaculating five times a day or they turn blue and require surgery. "Believe it or not" he says, "that is part of his treatment" With a new understanding they proceed down the hall. She peers into the very next room only to see a man standing at the end of his bed recieving a BJ from a nurse. "Oh my!" she says "How will you explain this one?" "Well mam," says the chief "It's simple. This man has the excact same affliction, but much better health coverage"
 

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The difference between guts and balls:

Guts:
is arriving home late after a night with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls:
is coming home late after a night with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt, and having the balls to say: "You're next!"
 

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A teacher was in front of her 2nd grade class. She held up pictures of animals and the kids would call out their name.
After showing pictures of a cow, dog, chicken, and a lion, she held up a picture of a deer with a full set of antlers. Silence. Nobody could identify it.
The teacher gave them a hint "It's something your mother calls your father."

One boy in the back jumped up and said "oh, that's what a horny bastard looks like!"
 

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An indian boy went up to his father and asked him how indians get their names.
His father stood up and said "When a baby is born, the father takes the baby into the woods on the first night and prays to the spirits for guidance. As the sun comes up, the first thing he can see is what he names the child. That's how some children are named Running Deer or Red Eagle. "

"And that's how you got your name, Two Dogs Screwing in the Snow"
 

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Horse walks into the Bar and the Bartender asks, why the long face?
 

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Sniper666 said:
Husband comes roaring up the driveway screeches to a halt and runs into the house screaming …. I won, I won …. I won the lottery…. Pack your bags!!!
Wife says….should I pack for the mountains or the beach?
Husband says …..doesn’t matter just get out!!!! :wink:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 

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2 salesmen were at the bus station to go on a sales call to Pittsburg. The first salesman goes up to the ticket counter to buy the tickets. The woman working the counter is rather buxom. The salesman said "Can I get two pickets to Titsburg..." embarrassed he shuffles away and goes over to his associate. "I can't believe I did that" he laments... The other saleman tries to console him. "Don't worry about it" he said. "It is just a simple Freudian slip, it happens all the time. Just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife. She said please pass the sugar. I relplied, "You misable bitch, you ruined my Life"
 

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Grade 3 teacher blindfolds her students to see if they can identify tastes. She gives each child a lifesaver (small candy round thing with a hole in the middle) and asks each to identify the flavour of the sweet. As each has a different flavour they have to show the sweet as they answer. All goes according to plan 'til teacher comes upon little Johnny and asks "What flavour is yours Johnny?". Johnny replies "I'm not sure Miss. I can't really decide."
Teacher says "It's something that Mummy often calls Daddy (meaning Honey).

Mary at the back of the class immediately begins retching and screaming out "Quick spit it out. It's an 4rsehole."

:lol: :lol:
 

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Two guys walking down the street. They see a dog licking himself. The first guy says, "Gee, I wish I could do that."
The second guy says, "You better give him a dog biscuit first; he looks kinda mean."
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A lady gets pulled over by a State Trooper. Wishing to make light of the speeding ticket she was about to get, she said to the Trooper as he pulled out his ticket book, "I know, you pulled me over to sell me tickets to the State Trooper's Ball."
He replied, "State Trooper's don't have Balls."
He then paused, closed the ticket book, got back in his patrol car, and drove off.
 

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@ Ralph, Ragin56 and Sharkey - LMAO!!! So far my favorites, hehehe :lol: :lol:
 
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