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Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since high
school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of PinotGrigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualizedkisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.

She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms.

They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, whereSusanna, thedaughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon.Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.

They livein Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend,Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Kansas and grow their own vegetables.

Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurtsout that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a smallapartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storagefacility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains thatshe and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live inJersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

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All good ones!
 

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LONELY LADY

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.

So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, he looked and winked at her. He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you wont be sorry."

The old lady figured "what the heck," she hadn't found anything else. She brought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "kiss me and you wont be sorry".

So the old lady figured "what the heck", and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. The prince then kissed the old lady back and guess what the old lady turned into?

She turned into the first motel she could find!
 

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There was a Greek immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his Greek wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her best friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm Greek Orthodox & I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, I wrote him a check.

If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
I like that one!
 

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Ernie's last wishes

Ernie Gregoire is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son, Mitch I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

“My daughter, Stephanie, you take the apartments on the east end."

“My son, Brent, I want you to take the offices in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away, shocked by the extent of his holdings.

As Mr. Smith slips away the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been a hard-working man to accumulate all this property for his family."

Sarah replies, "What property?

The ******* had a paper route!"
 

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The Brits have REAL talent!!!

OK, sit down, put your beer down, we don't want any accidental spills!




:mrgreen:

Joe T.
 

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Safe Sex

Isis
 

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A Hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 458. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen, you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."
 

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A man is sitting on a bar stool staring disconsolately at his drink, when a big thug comes over, grabs the man's drink, and drinks it in one gulp. Then the thug says, "What ya think about that, huh?"

The man says, "Well, let's see...I was late to a meeting today, and my boss fired me. I went to the parking lot to get my car to drive home, and found out it had been stolen. I took a cab home, only to find my wife in bed with another man. My dog bit me. I left my wallet in the cab, so I walked here, and of course it began to rain. I was planning to end it all, and I was just waiting for the rat poison to finish dissolving in my drink. But enough about me...how is your day going?"
 

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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
 

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JEWISH POKER CLUB

Seven retired Jewish Floridian's were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks,

"So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the bad news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, & don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet..? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me..!"

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
 

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Suicide Counselling

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff
about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be
dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a little
sex before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump...



:laugh:

Joe T.
 

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Where have these been hiding?
 

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Do ya'll know the difference between dark and hard???
It stays dark all night long.
 

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A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff
about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be
dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a little
sex before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump...



:laugh:

Joe T.







HA HA HA where you been JOE T? missed your jokes.
 

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Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’
 
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