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A day at the zoo - - - -

A man was down on his luck and desperate to make a little money.
After a few other doors had closed to him, he had the idea of going to the
city zoo, hoping to land a job feeding the animals. The manager said he had
no openings, but seeing how big this guy was, offered him another position.

"Say," he said, "our gorilla died the other day, and he was one of our most
popular animals. If we got you a special gorilla suit, would you put it on
and imitate him for a few days, until the new gorilla arrives? We'll pay you
well for it."

Desperate for work, the man agreed and, after a few hours, was beating his
chest and shaking the bars of the gorilla cage. Huge crowds were gathering.
Maybe this won't be so bad after all, the man told himself.

Then, one day, he was swinging on a trapeze and lost his grip. The momentum
carried right over a tall chain link fence into the middle of the lion's
den. Looking up at the intruder in his domain, the lion gave a ferocious
roar and the crowd was mesmerized.

What was the gorilla to do? If he cried for help, it would reveal his true
identity.

So he slowly walked backward away from the lion, hoping to climb the fence
into his own cage. The lion, however, with a hungry look on his face, began
to stalk him step by step. Finally, in desperation, the gorilla hollered:
"Help!"

Immediately the lion answered in an annoyed whisper: "Shut up stupid! You'll
get us both fired."
 

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Neologism contest

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternative meanings for common words. (apologies to those who might have come across this before!)
The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.


13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like,
a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a__hole
 

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Christmas party

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great," says Tom. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em"

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
 

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Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."
 

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Dear penis - NSFW

I think yoy will like this one

#!
 

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Little Johnny - NSFW

Little Johnny asked Mum what 2 words mean that kids at school were using...........Pussy and Bitch.

Mum inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico".

"A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy ."

"Thanks, Mom.."

He then found his Dad out in the garage.

"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."

"What words, son?"

"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mum, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."

Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."


"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"

Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."
 

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Police report - #1

Police today discovered a hole in the local nudist colony wall. The police spokesperson said that they where looking into it!
 

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Police Report #2

A thief broke into the Ft. Lauderdale police station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.

A spokesperson was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on!"
 

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Prophet-able small business

A friend of mine just started his own business, making land-mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof!
 

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Gotta love thos Bagpipers

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.



I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept; we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.







Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."







Apparently I'm still lost....
 

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Condom history

Never knew this...In 1832 the Arabs invented the condom using a
sheep's bladder...



It was later refined by the French by removing the bladder from the sheep
 

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Political suggestion

Suggestion:

Limit all politicians to two terms.

One in office, one in prison.

Detroit and Chicago already do this.
 

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British pub chatter

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Scousers and Blacks is not the correct answer

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's ipod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."

My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Camberley but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

You can say lots of bad things about [email protected] but at least they drive slowly past schools

A mate of mine has just told me he's [email protected] his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy ******* and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair.
 

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A good joke is used EVERYWHERE!

Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.

Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc..... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him...

'Tim what does your father do for a job?'
"My dad dances in a gay club and takes off his clothes for the men.
If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."
The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.

'No' said Tim "He plays Rugby for Australia , but I was too embarrassed to say."
 

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Journey of man

Journey of Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.


In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide... So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find
a girl with some real ambition.


When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious, that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big ****.
 

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Women who know their place

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands.

Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seemed happy

To maintain the old custom.


Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
Seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms.Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
Said, 'Land Mines.'
 

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Sixth grade class question

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class
'Which human body part increases to ten times its original size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
'Which body part increases to 10 times its original size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued.
'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'
 

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The Doc called - - - - -

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'


'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, t
his is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's(loss of memory) and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Discovery will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Discovery recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town - If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
 

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Female compassion

FEMALE COMPASSION
(The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms
and no legs.


Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed.
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'
 

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Another Irish yawner

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.

A man asks "What's wrong?"

Boy says "Me Ma is dead"

"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"

Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
 
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