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There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other
side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."
 

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As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f.. are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
 

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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

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Replacing lab rats with lawyers

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

There are no honest lawyers

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"

What and who am I?

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

 

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she
pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her
scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she
said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is
broken."
 

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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
 

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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
 

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OLD jokes for the day!!!!

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender - Give me a beer and a mop...
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says - Why the long face??
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks...... You might have to think about this one for a minute.

And finally,,,
A man carries his son into a bar and sits him on the counter. It is only a head. He tells the bartender that he was born without a body, legs or arms,,, but today is his 21st birthday. The bartender gives him a shot of bourbon (with a straw) and the young man drinks it. Presto,,, his body appears. "Wow" he says, and orders another drink. After the next shot, both of his arms appear. Extremely excited, he orders a third drink and this time doesn't need a straw because he now has arms and hands. He downs the third drink and his legs appear. The young man is excited beyond words and asks for a fourth shot. The father happily gives it to him, wondering what will happen next. The young man downs the drink, eyes roll back in his head, and he drops to the floor -- dead.
The father cries - "Why?? What could have happened??"
The bartender looks down at the young man and says - "You should have quit while you were a head".....
 
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I got some silly stuff in an email, and might as well share it here. Some are funny, and some I hadn't heard before. :D

****

My young daughter was wearing a beat up old watch a friend had given her.
I asked her, "Does it tell the time?"
My daughter looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it."

~ ~ ~

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

~ ~ ~

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

~ ~ ~

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

~ ~ ~

Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."
Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

~ ~ ~

Cop: "Please step out of the car."
Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."

~ ~ ~

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects

~ ~ ~

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

~ ~ ~

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

~ ~ ~

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

~ ~ ~

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say 'nothing,' it doesn't mean I am free, it means I am doing nothing.

~ ~ ~

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

~ ~ ~

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

~ ~ ~

I run like the winded.

~ ~ ~

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

~ ~ ~

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

~ ~ ~

I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

~ ~ ~

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

~ ~ ~

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

~ ~ ~

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east"

~ ~ ~

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

~ ~ ~

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

~ ~ ~

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

~ ~ ~

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

~ ~ ~

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

~ ~ ~

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
 

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The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."
 

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More silliness from another email. Plenty of old stuff here, but a few new chuckles...

***

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forget to mention morons.

My wife says I only have two faults. I don't listen and something else...

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I'm going to stop asking "How dumb can you get?" People seem to be taking it as a challenge.

I thought growing old would take longer.

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

Of course size matters. Nobody wants a small glass of wine.

Never laugh at your own jokes. You are one of them.

A little gray hair is not much to pay for all of this wisdom.

Does running late count as exercise?

If I say I will do it, I will do it. There is no need to remind me every six months.

Sorry I was late. I didn't want to come.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older. This crap isn't what I was expecting.

Everybody was thinking it. I just said it.

Some days, the supply of curse words isn't sufficient to meet my demands.

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W.T.F.

Science doesn't care what you believe.

On your mark, get ready, get set, go away.

You are about to exceed the limit of my medication.

I'm great in bed. I can sleep for days.

Four out of three people struggle with math.

I am who I am. Your approval isn't needed.

How can I trust you? You keep running away when I untie you.

Patience is a virtue. It's just not one of my virtues.

Pubs. The official sunblock of Ireland.

Remember, no-one's perfect. Everyone's ass has a crack in it.

If you can't laugh at yourself, let me do it.

Does running away from my responsibilities count as cardo?

My body is a temple: Ancient and crumbling. Probably cursed and haunted

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. Mark Twain
 

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In Iran.

ring ring
Operator: "suicide hot line"
Caller: "I'm depressed and think I may just end it"
Operator: "Can you drive a truck?"
 

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A Gay guy goes to the Doctor for a physical.

The Dr. shines a light in the guys right ear and says "Say 69"
The guy says "69".
The Dr. shines the light into the guys left ear, and says "Say 69"
The gay guy responds "69".

The Doctor puts on a rubber glove and tells the guy "Drop your pants & bend over"
The guy drops his drawers, the doctor sticks his finger in, starts feeling around, and tells the guy, "Say 69".

The guy says "1...2...3...4..."
 

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A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a
little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a
garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

When the fire fighter takes a closer look, he notices the girl has
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you
how to run your rig, but, if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
Collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren."
 
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