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Pakistani jokes???

The rescue workers at the Pakistan flood areas say the smell of bodies is unbearable. They expect it to get worse when they start finding the dead ones.


There were no survivors from that recent Pakistani airlines plane that crashed, killing all 152 people on board. Both families are devastated.


Paddy got arrested in B&Q today for punching a African women at the till.
He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.


Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tradegy of Hurricane Higgins.


Ramadan is here again.
The one time of year when Muslims cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
Never has the term 'Not enough hours in the day' been more appropiate.


A bloke was sitting on the bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breast feeding her baby.
The baby won't take it so she says 'Come on, eat it all up or i'll give it to this nice man here'
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again 'Eat it all up or i'll give it to this nice man here'
The bloke says 'Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, i should've got off four stops ago'.


I fostered a muslim child yesterday..... all four cans hit him on the head!


I got banned from a muslim clothes shop today.
I only asked for a bomber jacket 'touchy bastards'
 

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How about a few more????

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.



"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"



"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."



The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."



"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."



The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."



The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"



"1959, ma'am."



"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1959!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.



Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1959!"



The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
 

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NSFW

Uhhh - - - - -

Why do women have a hard time pissing in the morning?
You ever try to pull apart a grilled cheese.

Why did the little girl put a goldfish in her pocket?
She wanted to smell like the big girls.

How many guys does it take to clean a bathroom?
None, that's a womans job.

and finally,

What do you call a Mexican without a lawnmower?
Unemployed.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?
depends on how hard you throw them.
 

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Subject: Dark in here

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice"

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My Dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove. "

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now"
 

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A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" The biker shouts, "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account... now!" She replies calmly, "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." She then leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform her of the situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" The old biker explains, "There's no damn problem. I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!." "I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
 

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NSFW

 

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For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"




Enough for tonight - - - - - -
 

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Discussion Starter #49
I'm not sure what you are up to JoeT but, what you did is not in the spirit of my intent to have a thread where everyone could contribute. I think by you taking and over and spamming this thread you took away the intrest that would have been created by each joke posted and the individual comments forthwith.

I found your reapeated overbearing and irritating. I was trying to create something intersting and fun... but, you took over the show dude.... and killled it for me if not for the rest of us.
Ghost-Flame
 

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Ghost,

I did not intend to take over the thread. I am sorry if that is what you feel happened.

I thought it was a great idea to have a joke thread. It is obvious, now, that the joke thread needs to be a 'Sticky' like it is on the other websites with a joke thread. That way, each time anew joke is posted it is obvious.

However, since this is a commercial site and not a true special interest site, I doubt that will happen.

I won't post on this thread again.

Joe T.
 

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Sailors are the worst....really!

Little mary was outside playing with her dog and her mother noticed an soldier walking down the street. She hollared,"Mary,come in the house"...after the soldier was gone,Mary was back in the yard. Her mother spotted an marine and hollared again,"Mary,come in the house....afterwards,Mary again was playing with her dog in the yard....Her Mother sees an sailor coming down the street, "Mary,come in the house.....and bring yer dog !"
 

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A marine and a sailor were both in the restroom at a bar. As the sailor finishes he heads for the door,the marine say's "Hey,in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after urinating".
The sailor replies, "In the navy they teach us NOT to pi** on our hands."
 

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and killled it for me if not for the rest of us.
Ghost-Flame
didn't bother me.

I liked some of them. :thumbup:


One-Liners

1) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
2) The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
3) Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
4) He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
5) My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
6) Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
7) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8) Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
9) If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
10) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
11) I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
12) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13) We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
14) A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
15) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
16) How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
17) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
18) A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
19) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
20) The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
21) Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
22) Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
23) Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
24) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
25) Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
26) God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
27) I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
28) Fighting for peace is like ****ing for virginity.
29) Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
30) Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
31) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
32) Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
33) We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
34) A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
35) Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
36) Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
37) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
38) I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
39) War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
 

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Yes Sir!!

I'm not sure what you are up to JoeT but, what you did is not in the spirit of my intent to have a thread where everyone could contribute. I think by you taking and over and spamming this thread you took away the intrest that would have been created by each joke posted and the individual comments forthwith.

I found your reapeated overbearing and irritating. I was trying to create something intersting and fun... but, you took over the show dude.... and killled it for me if not for the rest of us.
Ghost-Flame
??????????????????????????????:dontknow:
 

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Well...

Let's build this list, could we get to 20 or 30 pages?... I'll start.

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman



Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh - My - God."
Hows about it...I'm still waiting for the joke :dontknow:








:joke::mrgreen: just kidding :thumbup:
 

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This is such a sad story, I started to just delete it but changed my mind.

There I was is sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6’ 8” tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink. He then grinned at me and gulped down my drink in one swig. "Well, what cha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I just need to kick someone’s ass, not watch a grown man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.

Then you, you overgrown horse’s ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 

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Finally, we got a winner!

This is such a sad story, I started to just delete it but changed my mind.

There I was is sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6’ 8” tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink. He then grinned at me and gulped down my drink in one swig. "Well, what cha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I just need to kick someone’s ass, not watch a grown man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.

Then you, you overgrown horse’s ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
:mrgreen: Not exactly a joke but, I like it:thumbup::congrats:

No, I'm NOT judging. I was just waiting for something to cheer me up and this done the job. Thanks, race:thumbup: Nothing like a good "heart warming" & "good ending" story.
 

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Chill out. .

I'm not sure what you are up to JoeT but, what you did is not in the spirit of my intent to have a thread where everyone could contribute. I think by you taking and over and spamming this thread you took away the intrest that would have been created by each joke posted and the individual comments forthwith.

I found your reapeated overbearing and irritating. I was trying to create something intersting and fun... but, you took over the show dude.... and killled it for me if not for the rest of us.
Ghost-Flame
I was having fun reading this thread until this came up. Chill out :chill:
If you specified some "one joke/post per member only" rule I missed it. :dontknow:


 

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Here's your problem

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."


:mrgreen:
 
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