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Discussion Starter #263
I was hiking through a section of woods that I had never been in before. I had been hiking for about 30 minutes when I came to a rather large stream. It appeared to be about 4-5 feet deep and running at a fast pace. I looked up and down the stream, but didn't see any place to cross. I noticed a tent and campfire on the far side of the stream, with a blonde female sitting at the fire. I called out to her and asked if she was familiar with this area. She said "Yes, I am. I camp out here a lot". I then yelled back - "How do I get to the other side?".... She thought for a moment, looked up and down the bank, and then yelled back to me - "You ARE on the other side!!!"
 

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A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He Walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew
what hole he was playing. She replied "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me,
so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again
with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me,
so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.
I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."


"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."


"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H,
so I'm still a hole behind you!”
 

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**WARNING**
This is a horrible, horrible joke.
Probably racist. Possibly misogynistic. Clearly corny, stupid and not at all funny.
Under no circumstance should you read any further.
People with sense or good taste will obviously turn back now. :yikes:
*****

With that obligatory caution out of the way, I give you today's most terrible joke (sent to me from my sister):

A man has an unusual flatulence problem...

Every time he farts, it makes the noise "HONDA HONDA HONDA". So he goes to his doctor, describes his issue, and the doctor says, "I can't say I've ever heard of a problem like this before, but I do know this Chinese doctor who deals with these sorts of issues. I'll give you a referral."

So the man goes to the Chinese doctor and explains his strange flatulence noise ("HONDA HONDA HONDA..."). The Chinese doctor says, "You have abscess in back tooth. You go see dentist. Have tooth fixed, problem go away."

The guy was skeptical, but was willing to try anything, so he goes to his dentist for a checkup. Sure enough, there is an abscess on his back molar. The dentist fixes it, and wouldn't you know it, the next time the man farts, it makes a normal farting noise. He's thrilled!

He is also curious. He had to go back to the Chinese doctor to find out how this is possible. So he makes an appointment to see him, and thanks him for curing him. He asks, "How in the world did you know that a problem with my tooth would cure my unusual flatulence problem??"

The Chinese doctor quickly replies, "Ahhh. Ancient Chinese proverb: Abscess makes the fart go "honda".
**


Hey, don't blame me. I tried to warn you. :grin2:
 

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**WARNING**
This is a horrible, horrible joke.
Probably racist. Possibly misogynistic. Clearly corny, stupid and not at all funny.
Under no circumstance should you read any further.
People with sense or good taste will obviously turn back now. :yikes:
*****

With that obligatory caution out of the way, I give you today's most terrible joke (sent to me from my sister):

A man has an unusual flatulence problem...

Every time he farts, it makes the noise "HONDA HONDA HONDA". So he goes to his doctor, describes his issue, and the doctor says, "I can't say I've ever heard of a problem like this before, but I do know this Chinese doctor who deals with these sorts of issues. I'll give you a referral."

So the man goes to the Chinese doctor and explains his strange flatulence noise ("HONDA HONDA HONDA..."). The Chinese doctor says, "You have abscess in back tooth. You go see dentist. Have tooth fixed, problem go away."

The guy was skeptical, but was willing to try anything, so he goes to his dentist for a checkup. Sure enough, there is an abscess on his back molar. The dentist fixes it, and wouldn't you know it, the next time the man farts, it makes a normal farting noise. He's thrilled!

He is also curious. He had to go back to the Chinese doctor to find out how this is possible. So he makes an appointment to see him, and thanks him for curing him. He asks, "How in the world did you know that a problem with my tooth would cure my unusual flatulence problem??"

The Chinese doctor quickly replies, "Ahhh. Ancient Chinese proverb: Abscess makes the fart go "honda".
**


Hey, don't blame me. I tried to warn you. :grin2:
My BFF, my dentist, is gonna piss himself over this one! :thumbup:
 

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HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.








HIS DIARY:

My Bike wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
 

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Discussion Starter #275
More than anything else in his life, Hosea wanted to see an American baseball game. He wrote a letter to Donald Trump, telling him so, and President Trump called Hosea himself. "Hosea", he said, "I will have a ticket waiting for you at the Los Angeles stadium. After the game I'm flying you to Washington to meet you personally".
Hosea showed up at the stadium, but was told there was not a ticket in "Will Call" for him. In fact, the game was SOLD OUT. After calling for the stadium manager, Hosea was told that the ONLY seat left, was atop the flagpole. Hosea said he didn't care WHERE the seat was. He was here to fulfill a lifelong dream, and then fly to D.C. to meet the President.
After the game, Hosea flew to meet President Trump. The President asked "How was your flight, Hosea?" Hosea said "It was a wonderful flight, Mr. President". "And how was the game?" Hosea replied "It was a marvelous game. I saw the Dodgers of Los Angeles defeat the Yankees of New York. It went into extra innings and was very exciting".
The President then asked - "And how were you treated at the game? Were the people nice to you?" Hosea answered - "Oh, Mr President. That was the best part!!! The people were SO nice to me. Do you know, that before the game, EVERYONE stood up,,,, looked up at me and asked --- Hosea, Can You See???"
 

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Dart, I heard that one in grade school in the 50's. I still gave a grin and a chuckle. FWIW, his name's Jose. En Espanol, the J pronounced like an H.
 

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Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

 

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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
 

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Discussion Starter #279
Dart, I heard that one in grade school in the 50's. I still gave a grin and a chuckle. FWIW, his name's Jose. En Espanol, the J pronounced like an H.

Of course you heard it back then!!! I'm OLD,,, remember???
 

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