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Got this from my Dad Ret. USN 8)
For those of you who were in the USN - you'll love (hate) the descriptions and remember all kinds of stuff you wanted to forget.
For those of you who were not so fortunate as to serve our country on board a ship - this will give you some idea of the fun we had.
Alright you swabbies, listen up!
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and
live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of
the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making
sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his
complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then
reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front
and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you
pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water
heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn
the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you
can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet
door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3
hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say
"Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in
your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a
whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille,
reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's
going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back
yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting
permission to leave your house before 1500.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the
driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Now sweepers,
sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and
aft, empty all shitcans over the fantail.)
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month,
read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering
it to you.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of
the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a
different one.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with
a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to
their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all
hands man your battle stations.)
21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without
consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family
that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for
an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of
steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they
ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake
bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the
night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure
to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run
out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and
shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast
they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but
don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand
in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and
ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured."
Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your
family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This
is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly
rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become
nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt
pocket.
30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the
living room, and run it all day long.
31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced
coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before
drinking.
32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut
with sheep shears.
33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and
go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar,
and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
35. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six
weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take
them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform
them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get
ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can
leave the house.
For those of you who were in the USN - you'll love (hate) the descriptions and remember all kinds of stuff you wanted to forget.
For those of you who were not so fortunate as to serve our country on board a ship - this will give you some idea of the fun we had.
Alright you swabbies, listen up!
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and
live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of
the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making
sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his
complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then
reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front
and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you
pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water
heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn
the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they used too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you
can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet
door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3
hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say
"Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in
your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a
whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille,
reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's
going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back
yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting
permission to leave your house before 1500.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the
driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Now sweepers,
sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and
aft, empty all shitcans over the fantail.)
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month,
read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering
it to you.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of
the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a
different one.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with
a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to
their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all
hands man your battle stations.)
21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without
consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family
that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for
an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of
steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they
ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake
bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the
night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure
to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run
out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and
shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast
they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but
don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand
in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and
ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured."
Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your
family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This
is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly
rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become
nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt
pocket.
30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the
living room, and run it all day long.
31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced
coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before
drinking.
32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut
with sheep shears.
33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and
go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar,
and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
35. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six
weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take
them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform
them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get
ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can
leave the house.
