THE RULES of CHICAGO
First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-ca-go, or
Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd. We all
know that the South side is for "normal" people...cross that line to the
North and you are in the Twilight Zone back in the 50's where there's a
bowling alley on every corner.)
Next, if your road map is more then a few weeks old, throw it out, and buy a
new one. If in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version
of traffic rules..."Close your eyes, hit the gas, and pray!" There is no such
thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that!
All directions start with, "Get on I-94" which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from Midnight to Noon. The evening rush hour is
from Noon to Midnight. The weekend rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, or possibly shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing into all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.
Construction on the Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form
of entertainment. We had sooooo much fun with that we have added 294, Elgin
- O'Hare and I-355 to the mix.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be in Cicero!"
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect on their vehicle.
Car horns are actually the native language. They are also used by cabbies
behind you to let you know that the light will turn green in 5 seconds.
If asking directions in Cicero you must speak Spanish.
If in Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet.
If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side you will need to
know Ebonics, have a death wish, or you are wearing a bulletproof vest.
A trip across town (East to West) will take a minimum of four hours,
although many North/South streets have unposted minimum speeds of 75 mph.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 95, especially if you are
driving a 10 ton waste hauler with bald tires, no tarp, and no mud flaps.
The wrought iron bars on windows near Englewood and Austin are NOT for
The Congress expressway is our daily version of NASCAR.
The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: Which of those 2
words don't you understand?
It is highly advisable not to try to pet or feed those packs of wild dogs
roaming on the shoulder of the road.
If it's 100 degrees, it's the Taste Of Chicago. If it's 10 below and
snowing, it's opening day at Comiskey Park. If it's rained 6 inches in the
last hour, then the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round.
If you go to Wrigley Field, pay the $25.00 to park in "Cubs Lot". Parking
elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, tickets, etc.
If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his "yard", run him over.
And the most important thing to remember is this...if you park on a side
street side where someone has blocked off a parking space with a broom and a
kitchen chair...You WILL be killed!!!
I'm an Air Force Brat, here are the places I lived growing up:
Rapid City, South Dakota
Del Rio, Texas
Big Spring, Texas (Dad's last duty assignment)
Abilene, Texas (Dad retired in '75 and made Abilene home)
I've traveled a bunch in my career as an engineer in the electronics business (pipeline & two-way radio). Not counting all the places I've stoped for short-term work (or play), I've lived and worked in the following places:
Kuwait City, Kuwait
San Diego, California
Northwest suburbs of Chicago
My soon-to-be ex-wife of 11 years is from Kuhn Kehn, Thailand which I've been to several times. Thailand is a beautiful place. I was hoping to retire there, but having the VTX has me thinking about the Smokey Mountains -- to hell with the women, all I need is the bike.
So, I call myself a Texan, since all my immediate family are in Texas.