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1) Get up, get dressed. Beg wife to go riding with you (so you can use her sadlebags because your 1300C model is too cool for them)
2) Got to Advanced Auto parts (AAP #1), find filter but not oil.
3) Don't buy filter here because you want to get everything at once.
4) Notice oil filter strap wrench... don't buy that either
5) Drive 25 miles to WalMart...
6) Note for future reference that WalMart doesn't have the oil you need.
7) Note also that they don't have the filter you need...
8) Or the strap wrench
9) Drive 35 miles to Autozone...
10) Find 3 quarts of the oil you need.
11) Realize that you need 3.9 quarts
12) Ask the dropout at the counter for 4 quarts of oil...
13) Argue that you need four and there's only 3 on the shelf so could he please get you four from the back?
14) Stare blankly at him when he returns with 1 quart and tells you to get the other 3 from the shelf...
15) When he gets back from fetching the other 3 quarts ask him for the filter you need.
16) Discuss the briefly the relative value of carrying motorcycle oil but not motorcycle filters with the dropout.
17) Buy the oil. Dump in wifes saddle bags.
18) Leave the autozone, go to the Advanced Auto Part store across the street (Note: this is not the first AAP#1, this is AAP #2 30 miles away)
19) Stare dumbly at a wall full of filters until you're certain that they don't have it.
20) Ask clerk if they have one... just for fun.
21) Follow smug clerk to the other side of the store where the motorcycle filters are kept away from that wall full of mean old car filters.
22) Buy filter. Dump in wifes saddle bags.
23) Go to Sonic. Have lunch... you're going to need it.
24) Go home.
25) Read VTXOA while the bike cools a bit.
26) Try to find a flat spot.
27) Realize that on 3.9 Acres you don't have a single flat spot so find a "mostly" flat spot. (Technical note: it helps if there's gravel in this spot. The pain of laying on gravel really helps you keep awake)
28) Lie down next to the right side of the bike (pipe side)
29) Don't touch the pipes.. they're still hot.
30) Really hot.
31) Reach under the bike and turn the filter counter-clockwise.
32) It's hot too by the way.
33) Realize that the last person to change the oil was nicknamed Hercules and that the filter aint coming off.
34) Look around for a substitute for the filter wrench that you didn't buy.
35) Consider using a pipe wrench.
36) Realize that you've been looking for the damned pipe wrench for about 45 minutes and it's no longer on your property.
37) Consider driving a screwdriver through the filter like you did with that old 73 Ford truck.
38) Come to your senses and just go buy the damned filter wrench.
39) Lay out a couple of 2X4's for you to drive the rear wheel up on when you get back. (This is called thinking ahead!)
39) Hop on your mostly cool bike and drive to AAP #1.
40) Find the appropriate size strap wrench for your filter
41) Don't buy it. Buy the little cap over filter wrench next to it that's $3 cheaper
42) Go out to the parking lot. Try the cap wrench on your filter. Realize that it's too big.
43) Go inside, get the proper wrench and attempt to exchange it for the right one.
44) Argue with the dropout that you were only gone like 3 minutes so you couldn't have "used it and brought it back".
45) Give the drop out another $3. Leave.
46) Drive home.
47) Drive up on the 2X4's that you laid out earlier.
48) Retrieve 2X4's from across the driveway (Technical Note: A quick buff will cover the scratches where 2X4's that have been shot across the driveway have bounced off of your wifes bike. )
49) Reposition 2X4's in front of rear wheel.
50) Drive up on them SLOWLY
51) Get socket set.
52) Lay down beside bike on the right side (pipe side).
53) Don't touch they pipes they're now hot again.
54) Damned Hot!
55) Try 18mm socket on oil drain plug. Now try 16MM socket.
56) Get up from ground and go look for the damned 17MM socket.
57) Give up looking for the 17MM socket and ask your wife where it is.
58) Ignore her when she asks why you were buffing her bike.
59) Find old rusty deep-well 17MM socket in the back of the shed.
60) Lay down beside the bike on the right side (pipe side)
61) Don't touch the pipes, they're hot... seriously.
62) Check fit of rusty 17MM deepwell socket. Realize that it will work.
63) Get up... again. Go find something to drain the oil into.
64) After a while, give up and ask wife.
65) get 2 empty 1.5 Gal GAIN! containers from laundry room as recommended by wife.
66) Cut top off of GAIN jugs with a sharp knife.
67) Don't bother bandaging the cuts, the hot oil will stop the bleeding.
68) Lay down on the right side of the bike (pipe side)
69) Loosen forward Drain bolt until hot oils pours out on your hand. (Technical note: Dropping the drain bolt in the oil catch pan keep it warm until you're ready to reuse it).
70) Use brand new filter wrench to loosen filter. (Isn't it fun working with new tools?!)
71) Once loose, unscrew filter with hand until hot oil pours out on your hand.
72) Scream and drop filter into the oil catch pan
73) Get up and grasp around blindly until you find something suitable for wiping hot, used motor oil from your face and eyes.
74) Hide Summer Fresh bed sheets from the clothes line with motor oil and blood on them under the shop.
75) Forget they ever existed.
76) Note that hand is no longer bleeding. Hot motor oil does wonders.
77) Go back to bike, Lay down on pipe side (remember the gravel? It's still there.) You can touch the pipes now.. they're not hot any longer.
78) Contentedly watch remaining oil drain from the bike.
79) Observe beautiful dark brown color of the oil as the setting sun refracts throug it.
80) Realize that no way in hell is there 3.9 quarts of oil in that pan.
81) Get up. Go find the Motorcyle Owners Manual.
82) Give up. Ask wife where the MoM is.
83) Locate location of the OTHER damned drain plug in the MoM
84) Lay down on right side of bike (pipe side (still cold).
85) Carefully remove second drain plug until hot oil pours out on your hand. Drop drain plug and washer in catch pan.
86) Watch as more dark brown oil pours out and refracts the still setting sun.
87) and keeps pouring
88) and begins to get really really close to the top of the pan
89) Franticly drag pan 1 out of the way and replace with Pan 2
90) Observe large amounts of dark brown motor oil slowly soaking the gravel where you've been laying.
91) Find second container that will hold ALL of the oil.
92) give up, dump water out of the dogs water bucket and take it. Hell, I paid for it... he don't got a job. Glare at the dog when it growls at you.
93) Dump oil from first contianer into dogs water bucket until you can retrieve the drain bolts and washers (Still Warm!!!)
94) Wait for all oil to drain from bike. Check oil for gasoline smell. Enjoy Summer Fresh smell of GAIN. Chuckle quietly to yourself about oil with detergent in it... decide not to share the joke.
95) Lay down on right side of bike (pretty much everything is cold by now).
96) Replace oil filter until finger tight. Replace both drain bolts and washers until finger then tighten drain bolts to (estimated) proper torque.
97) Consider not tightening filter then get filter wrench and torque the SH*T out of it so the next S.O.B can suffer too.
98) Curse engineer that decided that 3.9 quarts of oil was better than 4.0 quarts of oil. Attempt to figure out where the .9 is on a quart bottle and then decide that you dont' give a damn anymore and pour 4 quarts in the thing. What it don't need it can leak out.
100) Run bike 2-3 minutes. Wait 2-3 minutes. Check oil
101) Ride Baby Ride!

So... there you have it. How to change the oil in 10 minutes (over the course of 8 hours or so). I suffered through it, I thought you should too.

102) When wife asks about missing sheets fromt he clothes line stare blankly at her for 1 minute and then blame the neighbors kid... again.

253 Posts
DUDE, That is the funniest f*&kin post I have read in a long time. Thanks for sharing your technical experience with us. :lol: :lol: (NOTE: Boycott next tech section at gneo's house) :lol: :lol:

By the way, welcome aboard.

466 Posts
That has to be one of the funniest things I've seen for quite a while! :D Thanks for posting.

(oh, just so you know, you are not alone) :lol:
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